Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Pedophilic Attraction For Squeamish Dummies

The first step in sympathy and acceptance of pedophilia is the idea that a large proportion of pedophiles do not molest children and never will molest children. A large subset of us pose no a danger.

Even once that point is past, lots of people have reactions like, "Ewwww!", "Yuck!", "How can you be attracted to raping kids?"

Some pedophiles do have a crudely felt and expressed attraction to kids. The equivalent for ordinary guys are the ones who mutter to each other, "Wow, what a nice piece of ass! I'd sure like to do her!" I think such men are rarely rapists, partly for fear of getting caught and punished. But the vast majority also wouldn't rape a woman because however gruff their talk, they know it's wrong and wouldn't hurt a woman that way. Most pedophiles with crudely felt attractions are the same. There are exceptions in both cases, and both are enormously distressing -- sexual abuse of either children or adult women.

My main concern in this post are attractions that are felt more finely. And I'd like to concentrate first on the teenage years, when sexual attraction is felt most strongly and perhaps most purely, and where almost all of us start out having no previous sexual experience.

I believe it is quite common for a girl to reach an age where boys are just amazingly interesting, where they make her heart beat faster and make her tongue-tied, where nonetheless the idea of such a boy sticking his penis into her vagina is gross and disgusting. My intuition is that boys are less likely to feel such a mismatch or to admit it, but I suspect it happens too.

It is rare today in the west for teenagers to be ignorant of the mechanics of sex, but it has certainly happened with greater frequency in other times and places. Girls and boys alike in such situations nonetheless feel those same feelings of fascination with the other sex -- of strong crushes that really are sexual -- with no idea how it would be consummated.

Though I have less knowledge on the point, lesbian and gay teens (who know the basics of heterosexual sex) will also feel this fascination or crush for someone of the same sex, but it will often coexist with a feeling of ickiness at just how same-sex sex is done. Giving oral sex? For boys, giving or receiving anal sex? The attraction to the person can coexist with uneasiness about how sex would actually work.

And finally, sensitive men and women of all ages will often look at or consider an attractive partner, attending to personality, voice, face, how they carry themselves as well as their body. They often feel what qualifies as a sexual attraction. That feeling is often going to exist independently of thinking of the other person's sex organs and how exciting it would be to have sex.

We also have one older ideal of a man's romantic love -- of adoring a woman, loving her so much that the idea of actual sex is not what they would want at all. Nonetheless, this is a manifestation of a sexual attraction.

In all these cases, we can see an attraction to the partner as a whole person. Consideration of the sex act comes later, if it comes at all.

Many pedophiles feel exactly the same way.

For me, a 6-year-old girl can take my breath away. I felt that way about such girls until I was over 50 without ever realizing there was a sexual component to my attraction. But I still was a pedophile -- I had a crush on the girl. Now I realize there is a sexual component, and later, when I am alone, I might have a satisfying sexual fantasy about her. When I am with her, I am aware that any sexual expression is completely out of the question and don't experience the attraction as arousal.

Other pedophiles may feel the sexual attraction more directly, but it is still often a two-step process. Step one: Here's a child, he or she is sexually attractive as a person. That's a pedophilic attraction. Step two: How could this be consummated sexually? It can't be in any ethical way. End of story -- no sexual abuse.

Ordinary men may feel a sexual attraction to a great many women. The vast majority of them are unavailable. A sexual advance would be rejected. The men might fantasize about such women later while masturbating, but are they having fantasies of rape? Not at all. They simple imagine that the woman IS interested and consenting. Such a transformation in fantasy is just as easy for a pedophile.

Hopefully you non-pedophile readers remember what it was like when you first looked at someone of your preferred sex and felt that excitement that was the first sign of your sexual orientation. You might be hard-pressed to explain, justify, or prove just why you find that sex of person attractive as opposed to the other one. Most people are not bisexual. Some like women. Some like men. They can't both be correct in an objective sense as to why that sex is attractive and the other is not. It's just how they're made.

Pedophiles feel that way about children. And hopefully that's something you could consider without as much of a "yuck" reaction.



5 comments:

  1. "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." -Benjamin Franklin

    He could easily have added a third option that's "hatred of pedophiles". As good as a person is, as long as you may know someone, this is guaranteed. Especially among parents. I've lost a friend I knew for 15 years (the closest most loyal and only real friend I ever had) when I told him. You could have thought we were brothers how close we were. I told him when I was 19 (a year before his girlfriend got pregnant). And as soon as the words left my mouth it was obvious any trust he had for me was gone. 2 years later he told me he just wasn't comfortable being around me now that he's a dad, because now he knows just how dangerous having someone like me around could be. 15 years with times we threw ourselves under the bus to save each others asses, and with one sentence it was over.
    I don't know how it went over for anyone else who's tried "coming out" but that was all the response I needed to know I shouldn't ever do it again. The people you tell might not say it or even express it, some might even accept it, but on some fundamental level, they'll never trust you.

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  2. I remember being in love with a little girl at the pool. I would play games with her when I was 16 (none illegal), and I think she was fond of me as well, though not even romantically. Today (and largely then) I get/got fantasies not of sex with her, but just being with her in the same room, restaurant, or store. The sexual aspect of my attractions I did not discover fully until around age 16, in a similar way to you.

    On the bit about finding pedophiles disgusting. I do not think that's ever going to change. It is part of human biology, for some odd reason. I come to this conclusion after actually talking with people about my attractions in real life. I don't take it personally. They see my attractions as revolting, not me. They key would be to separate the attractions from the person, instead of saying "pedophilia is who I am"...Speaking with non-pedophiles over the internet is not the same as debating face to face.

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  3. >"... Step two: How could this be consummated sexually? It can't be in any ethical way. End of story -- no sexual abuse."

    "How could this be consummated sexually?" The language you're using in this question is supremely teleiophilic and prevents us envisaging an answer outside of the terms of reference it establishes.

    First of all using the word 'sexually' - with its associations of engorged genitals, sweat, thrusting, grunting and penetration. It is far too strong a word for anything that should take place between a child and an adult.

    Is stroking a child's bottom 'sex'? Is letting a little girl lick you face 'sex'? Is letting a little girl look at your penis and learn about male anatomy 'sex'?

    'Consumated' - again this is a very teleiophilic word to use: it is goal-oriented (unlike most child sexuality which is play-oriented), it assumes that paedophiles are sharing intimacy with a child in order to achieve something for themselves - presumably orgasm or ejaculation. Why is some sort of 'consumation' necessary?

    I bet that most ethical paedophiles don't dream of having 'sex' and having some form of 'consumation' with the child they love - but rather dream of simply accompanying that child wherever she wants to go in her exploration of her sensual feelings - appropriate to her age, development and her level of knowledge, desire and curiosity.

    I've had many dreams about little girls but I don't think I've ever fantasized about 'sexual consummation'. When you use the language of the oppressor there is always a danger that you end up thinking as he does.

    Anon and Magnus - I'm sorry about your bad experiences, but I think you're wrong to think things like:

    "On the bit about finding pedophiles disgusting. I do not think that's ever going to change. It is part of human biology, for some odd reason."

    Don't forget that you're speaking from within a very strange, outlier culture: in all of mankind's history there has never been a society or time when child sexuality and adults who are attracted to children have been more feared or hated.

    Moreover this fear and hatred derives from deep structural and economic causes which impact on how we define childhood and children. None of this is immutable, though when you're embedded in it it can seem so. You've only got to look back 50 years to find significant social movements who considered the intergration of child sexuality into communal life as a means to constructing a better society. I think that they were right. But such ideas, if put into practice, would have profoundly undermined capitalism, and so those ideas became, and remain, beyond the pale.

    So the hatred we suffer from is bound to seem part of 'human nature', something ineluctable and innate.

    It isn't - I've lived and worked in a couple of cultures where child-adult sensual intimacy is much more accepted - also for an example check out Heather Montgomery's chapter in "Children and Sexuality" - Ed. George Rousseau, in which she takes an anthropological view of 'child abuse' and looks closely at the attitudes of certain communities in Thailand.

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    1. You have a worldview which is quite outside the mainstream, and I see little point in arguing about that here. For me, a nonsexual friendship with a small girl could be quite rewarding. The addition of me stroking a girl's bottom or her looking at my erection seems to bring about the worst of both worlds -- little positive benefit to either of us and great potential for discomfort from her later realizing it was prohibited sexual activity. Devoting lots of thought to how such rules could be liberalized doesn't seem worthwhile to me -- especially as girls just don't care that much about these things in a positive way.

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    2. "For me, a nonsexual friendship with a small girl could be quite rewarding."

      As it could also be for pro-choice MAPs with a girl in our respective AoA.

      "The addition of me stroking a girl's bottom or her looking at my erection seems to bring about the worst of both worlds -- little positive benefit to either of us and great potential for discomfort from her later realizing it was prohibited sexual activity."

      Bingo. Therein lies our agreement.

      "Devoting lots of thought to how such rules could be liberalized doesn't seem worthwhile to me -- especially as girls just don't care that much about these things in a positive way."

      And therein lies your frequent assumption.

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