Sunday, December 7, 2014

Taking stock

Some of you might have noticed that I haven't posted in two weeks. I noticed too. I thought I might defer an explanation until I had something definitive to say about why and to lay out a course for the future. No such clarity has come to me, though I can say a few things:

I ran out of topics I was eager to write about. Some bloggers will make the same point over and over again, perhaps inspired by recent news. I'm neither an avid follower of the news nor someone inclined to repeat things -- if I said them once, why say them again? While I realize there has been some overlap in the topics I've posted to date, almost every post adds something new. If you'd like me to consider an issue, send me an email at

Maybe I should assemble the posts so far into a logical structure and post an outline of links. It could be the outline of a book: Thoughts on Pedophilia From a Celibate Pedophile. Maybe such an outline would reveal holes and inspire me to make posts to fill them in.

But I've also noticed a lull in my eagerness to write about anything on this subject. Comments are few, lively discussions rare. I'll get 100 hits on a good day, while 30 is far more typical.

Initially I posted roughly every other day, then went to twice a week. But now, until further notice, this has become an "occasional blog" that will get posts when I feel like making them.


  1. I do not think that repeating topics is a bad things especially if you decide to use a different angle or even add an additional thought. Plus your posts could help people see how "normal" pedophiles are because the media likes to post the "evil" and outliers. Also do you want more hits and comments? If you aren't opposed to self-promotion you could post links to your blogs on other sites?

    Hopefully you do continue to post.

  2. !!!!!!!!!!First and foremost, I have never and never ever will harm a child!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I hate what I am, I am virtuous, but I still feel really depressed most days and find it hard to cope. I never would do anything to harm a child, especially not in the way many on the news do. I just want to be normal, find a cure, or some sort of solution, to me I only see death. I do get very suicidal when I think of it, I just hate myself, I wish I could change everything. It's not fair why I have this, I'm 18 for gods sake,I'm meant to be ready to see and experience the world and instead here I am wishing i could just not wake up one morning. All I want is a cure, but who cares about that when we are all 'evil' and deserve to die, everyday is a struggle, atleast if I was suffering from bipolar I could find a way to cope. I just want to feel like there is a point to living. I have my mum and dad, and I
    I want to travel and see the world, but I just want to crawl up in a ball and just wait for me to end. I would never hurt anyone in that way, I don't want too, we have these rules for a reason. Maybe my problem stems back to porn use when I was 13 and jerking of to girls I knew on fb using their pics ( when I got fb at age 15), I regret it a lot now but you are naive as a kid. I wish I could tell my younger Self to not have done that, I wouldn't have said never jerk off , but just to be careful and not use porn. I never ever did it to young girls, I did it to those around my age, so when I was 16 it was 14 and 15, (I guess you could say young but I thought it was normal, some of my mates had slept with girls at ages 14-15 when they were 16-17) I felt abnormal when I said that to docters but apparently
    It was normal. To be honest at 13 it
    was 18, milfs even. I don't think I really found this as a problem until I was at least 17, I just wish I had the chance to tell my younger self why porn and all that jerking was maybe not best. I don't like myself, naturally I am polite and well mannered and kind and thoughtful, just what people think and do say but deep down I am just sad and unhappy with the way I am and I want to change so bad so that I never have these thoughts, god what I would do to just be able to look at young people normally, that's all I want. I want to be able to just flick on the TV and watch an advert with a young person and not feel ashamed and sick of being in this position. I wish all of us could be well cured. I'm sorry I'm this way, I'm sorry for being a waste of time and space. For me I see death as a way out of this hell, but I'm scared to end it and the amount of sadness and devastation I would leave on the family. At the moment I am finding it so hard to find a purpose in life, to remain focused on enjoying life, I'm not going to do the things you see those disgusting ones do on TV and the news, not in my mind or in reality. I just can't help wanting to find a solution that doesn't involve death. I'm sure a lot of you have contemplated death? Or still do? I have my methods if it gets that bad, I'm in control of my actions , but at the moment I can't help but feel lost, afraid and alone. Please god make a cure or a time machine! Something?!


    1. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad about this. One idea would be to join our support group (use the "contact' button at where pedophiles discuss exactly this kind of issue regularly. (I can also correspond with you privately from that address).

      I don't think you really have pedophilia if your attractions are as you say. I think most grown men (even if they are 70) will feel a physical attraction to 13-year-olds -- even if the 18-year-olds are hotter.

      When you feel as bad as you do, you should definitely see a therapist. Hopefully if you tell your mum and dad you are really depressed, they will do what it takes without your having to tell them more. Ordinarily I'd warn you about mandated reporting -- and if your attractions run to people under 13 or you live with such people I'd be careful. Start perhaps by asking the therapist what situations they would have to report to police. And I have this hunch chances are better you'd do better with a male therapist than female.

    2. Anyway...

      it isn't how you think.

      You can have these feelings and still be a good person. If you know yourself and learn to express your feelings in a positive way, you'll be surprised how easy it is to love children without it becoming sexual.

      Ethan, don't worry. When you have something to say, I'll read it. No rush. :-)



  3. ==I have this hunch chances are better you'd do better with a male therapist than female.==

    Really? I'm not sure I agree, but I'm not American and nothing would surprise me there. There doesn't seem to be much room for nuance,

    1. In my experience, female therapists just don't like to hear that men are attracted to young teen girls -- even if you're 18. My sense is that men are a little better at understanding the attraction and taking it as the baseline rather than something to be messed with. At most it's just a trend and not a rule.

  4. How do you cope with this sort of thing? Don't you ever feel depressed or suicidal? Everyday just feels like a never ending battle. Why can't it just go away, you think it could work like that. I do worry porn got me here. (I never looked at child porn! Dear god no! Never will) just want a reason to carry on in life. I do get a bit low, I'm 18 and for me this is ruined it all. How do you people cope? (I don't want to be one of those people to have to think how some do, a bit deranged and cringy I'm sure)

    I'm not a bad person but I do feel a bit like one, I don't get it why this is happening? All I really consider at the moment is suicide or just locking myself alone and isolated until I drift away.

    1. The best place I know of to discuss this is in the Virtuous Pedophiles peer support group. Use the "Contact" button at to find out more.

      I used to feel depressed and suicidal, but not about this issue. But you have lots of company -- a great many pedophiles do, but there are ways to get some perspective and lead a good life.