Child sexual abuse is wrong. Just plain wrong. Dead wrong. When I read about it, my stomach turns. It is especially horrible when a child is brutalized, or when a stepfather coerces his stepdaughter into sex for years at a time. Less extreme cases are also highly repulsive. For instance, in the most benign scenario, sometimes a child is genuinely affectionate towards a friend of the family. He then introduces sexual touching into their relationship, and maybe she doesn't object, or says it is OK or even enjoys it. Those make my stomach turn too. She is likely to be harmed when she later learns the broader context for what happened.
Those views would not be in the least bit remarkable if I weren't also romantically and sexually attracted to small girls. I have never done anything inappropriate with a child, and I never will. It is unthinkable. But I do feel the attraction.
What should I call this side of myself? I wish there were a better term, but the most accurate one available is "pedophile". I will probably devote a full entry or more of this blog to the term -- its original meaning, its newer meanings, and all the connotations and baggage that follow. I qualify for the original meaning: A strong, persistent sexual attraction to prepubescent children. I will immediately put "celibate" in front of it. "Celibate pedophile", to deny the worst misunderstandings. I am attracted to children, but never act sexually with children. There are a lot of us celibate pedophiles, and we are seriously misunderstood.
I am more than celibate, however. Many <NAMBLA> members are celibate, for fear of legal repercussions, or for fear of what the legal system and social services will do to a boy if it discovers a sexual relationship. But unlike them, I do not seek to change society so that adult-child sexual activity is more accepted. I don't want that change and would speak against it if it ever became a subject for serious debate.
These are my twin defining sides: Number one, a revulsion towards and total rejection of any adult-child sexual activity -- it is called child sex abuse. Number two, a romantic and sexual attraction to small girls.
To some this sounds like a contradiction, but it is not. Others may accept the two sides but think it implies that I hate myself. I do not.